Don't Change Your Plans > 01 February, 2000

I think I'm going to go for a more minimalist effect with my journal for a while. I know that my whole website needs a facelift, but I just don't have the time for it these days. Perhaps this will be a good start.

I woke up this morning to a really disgusting graphic dream. I was at the Cavern Club with Amanda sitting on some stools upstairs, and at the bar, my friend Angel from the fourth grade was getting gang raped. It was very graphic and bloody, and I woke up feeling completely sick to my stomach. And it has made me never want to touch a boy ever again. At least for a while. I still feel like vomiting when I think about it.

I wonder what triggered that sort of dream? I haven't talked to Angel since we were 12. I haven't thought about Angel really since then, either. And the Cavern Club, especially the upstairs part, is hardly a place where a big gang rape is going to happen. I wonder if my psyche is trying to tell me something, or if it's just because I drank a little last night.

I'm probably reading too much into it, huh?

I always have really eery dreams that end up coming into some sort of fruition, and that's why I'm so bothered by this. A few weeks ago, I had a dream that Angie was getting married, and I was wailing and sobbing -- I couldn't handle the fact that she was taking a step like that. It was nothing against her groom, it was all because it was so forced.

The very next day, I found out that my parents forbade her to see me until her 18th birthday, which won't be until May. So I can't hang out with her, visit her at work, call her -- nothing. We email, and I'm sure that my parents would try to cut those strings too, if they could. It pisses me off. I don't have a lot left anymore, and Angie is the closest person to me left out of my family. My parents decided to practically disown me right after Thanksgiving because Mom had a vision that I was "mocking and rebelling against God" and "God told her" to have nothing to do with me. Hmm.

So I spent Christmas alone. I was at my Grandmother's house, but I was sick and miserable and didn't see any friends or family (aside from Grandma and my aunt and cousins) for days. It was most definitely one of the lowest points of my life. And the whole time, I was just *hoping* that my mother would come to her senses and call and at least say "Merry Christmas", but she never did. My own mother. I cried most of the day, when I wasn't feeling like dying from the flu bug that I had, and was glad to finally get the stupid holiday over with.

The next day, I made a pact with myself to not get so bent out of shape. I think everything that I've been through in the past month or so has thrown me into a depression. But I'm not sure. Sometimes I think I am depressed, and there are other times where I feel fine. I know my thoughts are jumbled a lot of the time, I can't think as clearly as I used to, and I am more apathetic in some areas than I've ever been in my life. But at the same time, I'm a lot stronger and able to carry the weight more than I used to. And I appreciate the smaller things in life. And most importantly, I'm not going to take shit from ANYONE anymore. I used to be too much of a push-over, because I hated confrontation. Now, if it looks like someone is trying to get to me, I call them on it.

So if anyone's trying to fuck me over...really, don't bother. You really don't have the time for it. Because I WILL see to it that every time I see you, you will be reminded of how it's not going to work. And yes, that is a threat. I am not to be perpetrated anymore.

Okay, now that I'm done posting my New Year's Resolution (a whole month late!) and kind of explaining why I've taken a break from writing on here, let's talk about something else.

Like Columbia House. I ordered some CDs from them in November, and they just now got to me. Mind you, it was a pleasant surprise to find a box of 13 new shrink-wrapped albums waiting for me (especially since I barely have any anymore). Here's what I got:
* Primal Scream - Vanishing Point
* Nirvana - Unplugged in New York
* Menswear - Nuisance
* Suede - Stay Together EP
* Apples In Stereo - Tone Soul Evolution
* Cornelius - Fantasma
* Money Mark - Push the Button
* UNKLE - Psyence Fiction
* Flaming Lips - Soft Bulletin
* Kula Shaker - Peasants, Pigs & Astronauts
* Elvis Costello and The Attractions - This Year's Model
* Beck - Mutations
* Ben Folds Five - Unauthorized Biography of Reinhold Messner (which I have been listening to constantly - it's so so pretty!)

They were supposed to ship two more, but they were out of stock. So I get to choose again for what they'll send me. Whee!

So my CD shipment started my day off wonderfully, and the day continued to follow suit, for some odd reason. Work went well - I even talked to the woman who made my life hell for 9 months when I worked at this company before - and it was pleasant! We were actually joking. I'm glad to know that I do have the ability to forgive people ... I'm glad I'm not one of those people who holds a grudge for forever. And then after work, Amanda brought me a bag (actually THE purse I've been looking for - it's this neat synthetic fabric and slings across your chest - and it's Gap to boot, which matches near every damn thing that I own) full of CDs she didn't want anymore:
* Bobby Conn - s/t (with "You'll Never Get A Head(Giving Head to the Man)!)
* Stephen Duffy b-sides compilation
* My Drug Hell - This Is My Drug Hell
* Imperial Drag (so many good days have been spent listening to this bargain bin gem)
* Rushmore soundtrack
* Adam Ant - Vive Le Rock
* Big Star - Best Of (Which I LOVE. If you like 70s rock and/or Teenage Fanclub, take a listen to this!)

And I think I found the car I'm going to get. It's a used SUV. Good mileage. Great price. And it screams "Chrissy! I am supposed to be with you!" Sure, I don't need an SUV, but I like sitting big on the road. And I like the powerful engine. And I like the option of carting a bunch of people around. Lord knows I owe it to everyone that I've bummed rides from over the past two years. Yikes. Yes, time to get a car.

So aside from having disturbing dreams and not taking shit from anyone anymore, I think I'm actually doing pretty darn well. And I'm not stupid - I know it's all grace. Something I'm extremely humbled and thankful for.

Now it's time to shut my trap and upload this and go home. Night folks.