But You'll Be Alright, Now Sugar > 02 February, 2000


So I was checking my email, and gasped for joy when I saw him - the cute Gap boy - on a banner at the top of the page. Being the geek that I am, I quickly saved it before he disappeared forever, and for one day only, he'll be the star of my journal.

I just really wanted an excuse to stare at him some more. God - he is soooo cute!

Actually, I saw my dream boy in a Hennessey ad the other day. Erin and I bought the new Cosmo, I think it was, from the grocery store on Friday night, and all I wanted to do was pet the page and say, "good boy!".

I'm sure the only reason I'm feeling this way is because I'm about to be on my period. Which means that I alternate from wanting to cry from feeling fat to wanting to rip the head off of whichever person I'm annoyed with to wanting to make every cute boy I see my little slave.

Today I found Sarah's page. It got me thinking -- I've really kind of blocked myself and what I really think about things out of my journal. And it's a journal, for Pete's sake. I think I get kind of weirded out about some friends of mine reading this and misinterpreting what I say. And no, I don't mean my immediate yes girl friends; I am more concerned with people I don't see too often who do read this and kind of keep up with me that way. And when they see me, they act overly concerned if I've expressed any problems on here. Or they don't even make real conversation because they know too much of what is going on anyways, and don't want to look like a weirdo because they read my site too often. And I'm worried about family members reading this. If my stepdad were to stumble on my journal, I think I'd be mortified. Just because that would be the equivalent of him going through my bag of notes from Junior High (which are still sacred to this day).

But yeah. I think I actually might come out of my shell again. Give me some time.

Like reading Sarah's page today...I was thinking how nice it would be to cuddle up with a husband on a couch, even in the midst of the big snow storm cutting off all your power and not having any heat to keep you sane. And this is ME thinking this! I'm not really that romantic of a person. I don't think I am, anyways. But really, right now, that sounds like perfection. However, a)I don't have a husband, b)I'm in no rush to get one, and c)there's no one that would even begin to qualify for what I'm wanting to stick with in the longrun, so I guess I can sit back and listen to my Guns N Roses album and hope to get lucky enough to have that one day.

While we were at lunch today (actually, a little gossip between our cubicles turned into lunch), Erin and I were talking about the whole "what do you look for in a mate" topic. It was moreso, "what don't you look for in a mate", and we both oddly enough had a lot of the same things -- someone who's not going to try to act like a stand-up comedian all of the time, someone who isn't too bitter about their outlook in life, someone who's not a complete and utter slacker, someone who gets excited about things, and someone you can actually have a serious conversation with. She said essentially, she wanted a guy with personality traits like her mother's, and I can't say I blame her. Her Mom is wonderful. (And makes the best fried chicken I have ever had in my life. And mocha birthday cakes too!)

Then the discussion progressed onto the fact that most men married women similar to their mothers. And girls marry their fathers.

There is no way in hell I find any trait in either my father or stepfather attractive. Erin kind of got this look on her face and said, "Well, you're going to be breaking new ground." I think I want to marry a cross between my friend Ifan, my sister's ex boyfriend, Brent, a guy who will love me as much as Aaron did, a guy who is as sincere as Christian (my high school sweetheart) was, smarmy and quick witted, like my girlfriends. And I hope he's as cute as Gap Boy. And he'll have to meet certain musical criteria requirements. I couldn't stand being around someone who listened to too much IQU or Pantera, you know?

Regardless, it would just be nice to have that nice warm being near you when you eat dinner, or when you have to clean on Saturday mornings. I guess I feel kind of mopey because here lately, I haven't been close to too many people. And I have PMS. What a great combination.

On the upside, I have been listening to GNR's "Use Your Illusion I" all day. Actually, I've been listening to "Don't Cry" and "November Rain" on repeat. I totally hated this stuff when it came out, but I've grown to really appreciate it. Yeah, it's *kind* of cheesy, but really, those are damn good lyrics, and Slash's guitar work is excellent. So stick it up your YEAH!

Tonight I think I'm going to get one of those L'Oreal Casting kits, and dye my hair dark brown. Espresso to be exact. There are too many blonde highlights in my hair, and I'd just rather have more of a contrast. I only pray it doesn't turn black like it did two years ago. And we all know what happened after that -- psycho roommate forced me to go with her to see Megadeth. Yuck!

My birthday is two weeks from today! I have no plans really, other than a road trip to Atlanta a week and a half after that. 22's really not that monumental, so hopefully my day will be at least a little marginal and that will be enough to make me happy. I just pray it's better than Christmas was. It couldn't get any worse than that.

Enjoy your six more weeks of winter!