star.jpg (1418 bytes)  in with the in crowd

The grammys really sucked tonight. I've come to the conclusion that I don't give a rat's ass what the industry thinks. I know that's not profound or anything, but I'm really pissed off that I chose to watch the grammys instead of Dawson's Creek and Charmed. Not going to happen next week.

I still feel really yucky.  What started out as sinus problems has spread into my chest, lungs, head, arms, stomach, throat -- you name it, it hurts. They sent me home sick from work this morning and told me not to come back until I felt better. So I sat here all afternoon installing my newly bought Front Page (Praise God for those Academic discounts!) and trying to figure out how to connect to my new domain.

New domain? Why, yes, new domain! My future home is going to be I'd link it, but it's not there yet. So no point.

I fell asleep watching Attack of the Large Breasted Hos on Jenny Jones and woke up three hours later to the phone ringing. It's not really like me to sleep in the middle of the day. I'm one of those people that despises napping, really, aside from an occasional rest when I get home from work in the evening.   I just feel really weak and I am miserable and dumpy and I don't like being awake when I feel this way.

My mom decided to have a go at me this morning in the car. For wasting my life on "foolish" things, for clubbing too much, for making stupid decisions since I was 16. She started quoting the bible at me and kept repeating what a fool I was.

This reminded me of why I was so miserable living with my folks for so many years. They constantly tried to tell me what an idiot I was because I didn't subscribe to the same ideas as them.

a) My parents believe in absolutes. (example, mom once said "I am right, you are wrong, there's no middle ground." which is something I don't believe in under ANY circumstance)
b) They have never set foot in any sort of concert. Aside from my mom seeing Hall & Oates in 1983. Concerts are dens of sin, unless it's Christian Music.
c) Until I was 16, I was extremely suicidal and depressed. At 16 I found there were other things that brought bits of light into my life - like music - and I can honestly say I haven't had any sort of dismal urge in years. Quite unlike feelings of insignifigance that I had been feeling since I was 8 or 9. So I guess mom would rather have me wanting to die than to be out there wanting to enjoy parts of life. Sure, it's not all sunshine and roses, and much of my life is spent in a smoky club watching a small band, but it's MY CHOICE.

Why do I do this? I want to break into music journalism one of these days. I've met a lot of people. I've made a lot of friends. I am not about to sit back now, after I've been making contacts for the past couple of years, and decide to be a coder for a credit card company, like my dad. I am not going to save money for a mortgage. I will probably live in an apartment for the next 10 years - at least - and there's nothing wrong with that. I don't want to have a family anytime soon, I'm not out to prove anything to anyone, I am just out to experience life and see as much of the world as I can. Perhaps that IS an immature yearning, and I should be more concerned about Y2K than I am, but that's MY choice again.

So right now, I'm feeling pretty down in the dumps. I feel like hell, my mom hates the choices I make for my life, and I am lonely. I took some Contac a few minutes ago, and the box read "marked drowsiness may occur", so I'm hoping I can drop off to sleep sometime soon.

dope box - jack drag
almost there - unbelievable truth
isola - kent
High Fidelity - Nick Hornsby
Fuck, Yes! - Prof. Wang T. Fing
Getting Started with Front Page
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