I have had few significant experiences at concerts. Sure, I schmooze, laugh, joke, and meet somewhat cool people, but it's rare that I ever pull something personal out of a show. I can remember few times I've cried because the music was so beautiful or the words hit me just the right way. I cried during "Street Spirit Fade Out" at the Radiohead show last year. And I cried last night at Elliott Smith. I'm not sure what came over me, but I was listening to "Waltz #2" and felt weepy, then when I heard "Bottle Up and Explode" I realized I had tears streaming down my face. Same thing with "I Didn't Understand". I felt alone in the room, even though Trees was packed out (which I haven't seen in a LONG time) and I really wanted to be left alone. I have a friend that followed Elliott Smith around on his last tour, and I completely understand why.

There's just such a draw there for me. I have this super sad realistic side to me and Elliott Smith really touches a lot of tender spots inside of me with his words. It's funny, because just a couple of hours earlier, as Katie, Erin, Bevan, Amanda, and I were sitting at dinner, Katie remarked that I needed to listen to sadder music (ie Bauhaus). Well, this IS my sad music. I don't have to have that processed cheese drama that Bauhaus has (I make no excuse for my dislike of them) ... songwriters like Buckley, Drake, & Smith have that realistic drama that I can identify with, that I feel, that I know. I know this sounds terribly cheesy, but I was really needing to find a way to kind of break down. I've had so many thoughts and decisions and weird circumstances thrown my way lately, I've just felt like running outside and screaming it out. And I can't. I think I have to put on some sort of uber-confident front and that's probably wearing me down more.

What am I so upset about? Well, "upset" really isn't the word.  It's just that I've come to more realizations in my life.

a) I'm probably never moving to England. I don't want to anymore. I know most of my friends are gasping at this point, though I am guessing Erin is perceptive enough to realize this. I don't want to. And I'm sorry to all of my friends that are over there. I'm sorry. But it's not ME ANYMORE. I am not going to take the pressuring emails anymore. I am not going to take the pressuring calls. I am just not going to do it. This is my home. I am American. And yeah, maybe when I have my life sorted out a bit more, I'll take a job in another country, but I'm not sure when or where that will be. If ever. I've been living life with too many options open for the past couple of years and in the process have neglected actually getting anything done. I have no major relationships, other than with Amanda and Erin. I haven't picked up an instrument and mastered it like I was wanting to by this point. Nothing. I am letting myself down. So no, I am not even going to THINK about making a transatlantic move. Not within the next five years, at least. I'll visit and all will be nice, but really, this is my home. And I'm content with it.

b) I am over-analytical about every action a person makes when interacting with me. Maybe it's a sign of loneliness. Maybe it's a sign of stupidity. I'm not sure. I've got to stop this though. Like really badly.

c) I really need to clean my room.

I saw Elliott Smith's mom last night too. She was the cutest old woman. I am sure she was brimming with pride to see her soon playing to a packed out house. I can only imagine how she must have worried in the past about his choice to be a musician in such a cut-throat industry. But she really did look pleased. I saw her a few times and she was just standing there smiling. What a cute lady.

Tonight is the Sleater-Kinney show, which is going to be interesting. The show, we were told yesterday, is sold out. So we're working on getting Amanda and Erin guestlisted through a friend, and TJ said he'd put me on the list as his guest (each member of the band gets one guest). I pray this works out. If not, oh well, but I'd really like to see my friends playing to a packed out house. I only wish them the best.

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