star.jpg (1418 bytes)  spun around

john taylor i've loved you since i was six
i love you

Waking up with a tremendous hangover is always my favorite way to start out a day. I had a dream that Rufus Wainwright and Barbra Streisand were covering Fatboy Slim's "Praise You" and the next thing I knew I was looking at my alarm clock (which was playing the real version of "Praise You") and my head felt like Rufus' own piano had fallen on it. Good Morning world!!

Last night was a busy one. I came home and took a long nap and then woke up and watched Dawson's Creek.  A bit lackluster, but I thought the Katie Holmes modeling shoot was exceptionally well done. Overuse of Lisa Loeb and Natalie Merchant kind of got to me after the first 3 seconds, but I dealt with it. All for the sake of Pacey.

I headed down to the Sleater-Kinney show with Amanda and Erin. We ran into Melissa there (hi!! and THANK YOU for picking up my lost camera!) and Katie and Micheal and a guy that we played kick ball with last fall. I decided to start drinking cranberry and vodkas on an empty stomach (somewhere between the nap and Dawson, I forgot to eat) and they hit me straight away. Go Metric played a great set. I'm talking, REALLY REALLY good. I was so proud to see them do so well in front of so many people. Versus were next and that got boring (I don't do well with drone) so I acted like a moron and chatted to anyone that would stand still long enough. I saw even MORE men using the urinal (see also: Elliott Smith experience the night before).

And I ask myself: why on earth did I get tanked like that? Because I could? Because I'm legal and I was out being social? Because I'm not thinking straight?

When I got home, I came to yet another realization. I want to move. Out of my over-priced apartments. Out of Dallas, where I will never get anything accomplished because there is too much to distract me. Where there are people that will always have an adverse effect on me. Where I have some of my best friends, but what does that mean to ME?

I can look at my situation here on many different levels. Emotionally, I'm okay. I like the people I'm around. I don't like a lot of the confusion I experience, and I don't like the fact that I let myself get so confused.

Logically, what the HELL am I doing? I am working so I can have a roof over my head, which I got as a sign of independence and close to work so I could save money for another car, but I can't even scrape that much up each month. I can't move to another part of town because work is right here. I can't go anywhere. And I'm sick of arguing with my stupid apartment complex. It's so stressful. I could try to get into a local university this fall, but what good is that going to do? I'll only be able to go at night, when what I want to do is move somewhere where I can really concentrate on my studies and less on being at work from sun up to sun down so I can pay for the area where I am from sun down to sun up. It's a lose/lose situation.

Sure, I have fun, but fun only gets you so far in life. And that's not a very long distance, either. I have to exert myself a bit to achieve anything, and I'm so not doing that. So my next step is HOW and WHERE is this growth going to take place for me? Not here. That's where.

So I'm going to sit back for a while, relax, and try not to worry. I love my friends and my family more than just about anything else. I'm very faithful to the people I love. But I have to worry about Chrissy first. Noone else is. And I don't want them to. This is my life, so I've really got to get a grip.

I want to move far away and live my life. And study and gain a different insight than what I have right now.

Tonight I'm going to go home, clean my bedroom up a bit, and then take a long hot bath. Then I'm going to put my pajamas on, watch the video that my friend Shane sent me (5 hours of fun! Baggy, britpop, fun fun fun!) and then go to bed. And tomorrow night I'm going to do the same. I just really want to be left alone, more than anything.



lazarus and other songs from giant steps - boo radleys
encouraging words - billy preston
outspaced - super furry animals